If you’ve ever had a romantic partner, chances are you’ve had the maddening experience of being ignored while you’re talking because the other person is concentrating on their cell phone.
This type of situation is called phubbing, a word that unites two concepts in English: phone -telephone- and snubbing -ignore-. Although broadly speaking it seems to be somewhat minor, the truth is that research shows that when this situation is repeated, it can eventually become a problem. A recent study linked higher levels of phubbing to marital dissatisfaction. Another, conducted in 2022, found that it can lead to feelings of mistrust between parties. On the other hand, one analysis found that those who phubb a lot are more likely to get phubbed, creating something of a domino effect.
“Phubbing can occur through a variety of behaviors: from looking at your phone in the middle of a conversation to checking it when the conversation has slowed down to holding it close,” said couple and family psychologist Anthony Chambers, academic director from the Family Institute at Northwestern University. In this regard, he said that he sees this problem every day among the couples he attends.
“The term phubbing is a funny word, but one that can have an impact,” added Dr. Chambers. Fortunately, the specialist commented that for most couples this is usually an easy problem to solve.
Here are strategies that can help you cope:
Set clear rules
“To the extent possible, couples should agree on how they define phubbing and what they are willing to put up with,” Dr. Chambers said. But Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couples and family therapy program at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, whose research has focused on the effect of technology on couples and families, said that she is often surprised by the few couples, who even though they have met online, do not have clear rules regarding the use of cell phones and technology.
In this regard, this professional commented that she usually begins consultations with some basic but important questions for clients to have on their radar: “What are the rules when we talk to others? When is the use of the telephone present? On what occasions should we save it? “I know this doesn’t sound sexy and people don’t want to put it into their relationships, but it really is the number one strategy,” said Dr. Hertlein.
Dr. Chambers has had success helping couples establish phone-free zones and times: either by setting a particular room in the house where the use of that instrument is prohibited or by delimiting hours.
As the psychologist explained, couples should consider and schedule these limits together: are there no phones in the bedroom? No phones at lunchtime? Research has found that when people leave their cell phones on the table, they tend to feel more distracted and less socially engaged. And a good way to fulfill the slogan of
not using the phone is “creating a regime of fun clothes,” said Dr. Chambers, and elaborated: “Maybe a couple who takes out their cell phone at dinner should pay for food or do the dishes.”
In this line, the psychologist also encourages couples to silence notifications: “Hearing the beep or buzz of the phone can trigger wanting to look at it and know what is happening,” said Dr. Chambers.
Talk about phubbing if you’re upset
Dr. Chambers frequently sees couples where phubbing behaviors were overlooked and then over time became a bigger problem. For example, one partner may feel that the other is spending too much time on their phone instead of helping with chores or with the kids. Sometimes you may also think that you are more interested in watching the news or emails than spending time with your family. In this sense, Dr. Chambers said that many of his patients have admitted not realizing the anguish that their behaviors caused others until the moment of the therapy session.
“From the moment you start to express feelings such as being hurt, frustrated or discouraged, you have to speak up and let your partner know,” said the psychologist.
Count what you’re doing
A person may become upset by phubbing simply because it is rude. “But in the context of a romantic relationship, this upset can be accompanied by pain, especially if one partner has to compete for the other’s attention,” said Dr. Hertlein.
In these cases, “it is important to note that many times this anxiety is caused by a certain distrust in the other,” specified Dr. Hertlein. “For example: ‘I feel that you relate to other people and leave me aside,’ clarified the expert. In this regard, Dr. Hertlein said that people tend to put their phones face down and only pick them up for a moment or two, which can seem like they are waiting for something.
For that reason, “it can be helpful to tell your partner what you’re doing on the phone,” Dr. Hertlein said, adding, “If you’re depositing a check or responding to a work email, let your partner know.”
Dr Chambers stated: “Communication is the key to overcoming phubbing”. “It is really important that your partner knows how you feel,” said the specialist. And “once the issue is clear, you will see how satisfaction in the relationship increases.”
