Researchers at the world-renowned Institute for Apocryphal Studies have discovered that those who brave the harsh elements of outdoors, risk the unknown and uncontrollable temperatures associated with not having a roof over their heads.
“Outdoors has no roof. It’s shear hell having to deal with things like snow and rain falling on your head. Not to mention all the garbage freely blowing around like it’s nothing. I prefer to heed the advice of the scientists and stay inside watching CNN.” said one concerned US citizen.
Studies have shown that you are more likely to suffer serious injuries like twisting your ankle, slipping on a wet banana peel and bruising your behind, and even the chance of a meteorite plummeting down upon your head. Experts agree that “the outside realm” is a volatile place.
As a result of this breaking news, world leaders have agreed to assemble in Fictitious – a retreat located in the safety of the Swiss Alps. Here they will discuss the idea of constructing a giant roof over the entire planet in an attempt to control the climate and minimize the risk to those who brave the great outdoors.
A reporter from the tropical country of Costa Rica was sent to the United States to find out why so many Americans prefer to stay indoors when back home many “Ticos” as they are called, enjoy 75% of their lives outside in the sun with their families.
“I’ve not left my house in weeks. There’s no way I’m going to risk getting rained on or worse…SNOW! Yuck. Even the thought of that grungy stuff touching my pasty white skin sends chills up my spine.” said Jeremy “Dragonslayer” Polik from the comforts of his mother’s basement in Paterson, New Jersey.
“What are you telling me? In Costa Rica you guys actually go outside? That’s crazy talk. I’m suppose to believe that entire families…kids too, will actually play together outside? If that were true then why have I not heard of this on CNN or Fox?” the Dragonslayer added.
Emerging trends are showing more and more people preferring to work from home throughout Canada and the USA. IKEA – the popular Swedish home furnishings company – foresaw this progression and in anticipation of it, began selling “The Homebody” line of home appliances and furniture designed for the recluse who prefers the safety and security of their home over the challenges and risks associated with venturing outdoors.
“A couple times I stuck my head out the front door, it’s mayhem out there – no f***ing way I’m taking that chance.” Henry Fozlepoff III said from behind his 4 inch thick steel door.
Forecasters are predicting more and more people will develop reclusive behavior as temperatures continue to plummet throughout much of the Eastern United States.
The big question on many people’s minds is: “what is the solution?”
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