Moving abroad together can be a constant challenge. Should you stay in your comfort zone or venture out to make new friends in the host country? The second option is, without a doubt, the best. But is it necessary to share the same friends as your partner? Why is it important to create your own social circle in the host country?
Should expat couples share everything, including friends?
The issue of friendships can be delicate in a couple. At first glance, sharing everything seems like the simplest solution. This approach naturally becomes the norm in a new life abroad, where the partner serves as an anchor. You and your partner become the new, secure family unit. While you are finding your way in the host country, you play a crucial role in your partner’s life. You represent the country you have left behind, the memories, but also the expatriation project, the future and new acquaintances.
Living in a foreign country, couples often spontaneously share their discoveries and new contacts. Co-workers, neighbors or members of a sports club can become friends, to whom they introduce their partner, integrating them into their new daily life. It is understandable that at first couples “take refuge” in this circle of common friends. Remember that making friends is not easy, especially in a foreign environment where cultural and/or language barriers can complicate relationships. The very notion of friendship varies from one culture to another. When one of the partners manages to make some friends, they naturally introduce them to their partner.
However, sharing everything can lead to an “expat couple with their friends” scenario, a peculiar notion, but quite accurate. The circle of friends becomes so integral that it is part of the expatriate couple’s identity.
Having your own social circle helps you enjoy your own expat experience
Every international relocation experience is unique. Even if you have moved as a couple, you will not experience life in a foreign country in the same way as your partner. Everyone will feel things differently, depending on their personality and experiences. The importance that the couple places on their common circle of friends is evident, but remembering and respecting each other’s differences is just as crucial. You and your partner are not the same person. The reasons they like you may not be the same reasons your friends do.
Also, remember that moving to a foreign country can change personalities, sometimes profoundly. The necessary adaptation provokes self-reflection, and that is why expatriate life tends to test a relationship. Factors that are ideal for strengthening ties can also create distance.
Having your own friends will prevent you from losing your identity
Having your own circle of friends helps you keep your identity outside of the relationship, which, in turn, helps protect it. Your love for your partner will not cease because you are not friends with their new acquaintances. On the contrary, be happy with what your partner is building in the host country outside of your relationship. Developing your own circle of friends is vital to existing as a full-fledged individual. Constantly talking about the “couple” can lead to losing individual identity. Although symbiotic relationships exist, they are not the only form of “couple.” Even symbiotic couples need space.
Build separate friendships based on socialization contexts
Enjoying expatriate life to the fullest involves placing your couple in a new context: life in a foreign country, a new neighborhood, a new work environment, new activities, etc. Each of these contexts offers socialization opportunities for each member of the couple. In each of these contexts a circle of friends can develop, and these circles do not necessarily have to merge. Many expats develop circles of friends based on the socialization/location context. An expatriate can do certain activities with friends from work and others with friends from the neighborhood or club.
Expat couples and circles of friends
Contrary to popular belief, your friends don’t have to get along with your partner. Of course, you hope that your friends like your partner, based on the noble principle that if they like you, they should like your partner too. However, take into account how you present yourself to new acquaintances and how you behave in the host country. Have you found people with whom you share activities that you don’t do with your partner?
Developing your own circle of friends will increase your self-confidence, especially if you tend to let your partner take care of things (like paperwork in the host country, introductions to new neighbors, etc.). However, avoid the opposite extreme. A trusting friend should not replace your partner. The same caution applies to friends with whom you frequently do activities but almost never with your partner. They will quickly notice this change and may feel jealous of your new friends.
Get in the habit of talking regularly about your relationship with your life in the host country. Do you feel fulfilled? Have you managed to exist outside of your partner, or do you experience expat life solely through your partner’s eyes? Developing your social circle will help you feel better about yourself and your relationship. It’s all about balance.
