How Becoming a Mother Actually Saved my Life

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    Hunker in with a coffee or beer…this is a long one.
    But worth it.

    My post on Instagram yesterday starts like this…

    When I found out I was pregnant with my son my biggest fears were that I would lose my sense of self, that my life would become beige and that baby pink or powder blues would be all I see.

    I could not get past the inane images of fisher & pyckle toys and the thought of clambering around with a big ass trolley on wheels called a pram.

    I was so fucking scared of the norm.

    This was my version of numb.

    The truth is… when I first found out I was pregnant whilst on a trip in Spain all I could think was that I did not even know how to look after myself properly ( only 18 months clean and sober ) and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life….

    How on earth I was going to care for a baby was way beyond me.

    What scared me most was how intimidated I was of other women and having a baby meant mothers groups and young mum gatherings. How would I ever get through it all ?

    After working through my doubts of losing, forgetting and dropping the young one I had a larger hurdle that had gripped me around my throat.

    I was in a plane at the time flying from Sydney to Brisbane to take part in a permaculture course. I figured the only way to get me through panic was to keep busy. I was terrible at slowing down when I was pregnant. I did more in those 9 months than I had done in years.

    Whenever I am in a plane I have these deep deep realizations, downloads and visions.

    I am not sure if it is about being away from all the EMF’s on the planet, away from the chaos or because I am basically moving through god consciousness so far up in the sky… if there is a man holding space up there, each time I fly, I basically pass through his house. And that has to be some spiritual shit right there.

    Sitting in my window seat as I watched the clouds outside, my whole body was gripped with a fear of a realisation that was dawning on me.

    What if my child was sexually abused during his or her adolescence, or life?

    How the hell could I protect her or him ?

    I had not been protected nor well equipped.

    Nor had most of my friends.

    According to the statistics that were around me many upon many of us had not been protected enough from sexual abuse or harassment.

    This thought had me paralyzed.

    I knew that if anytime in the future that I ever found out that anyone had interfered sexually with my to soon be child I would not be able to contain my rage.

    For the rage that was rising in the fear of it happening was also my own rage of not being supported, protected nor believed or cared for when it happened to me.

    I was filled with rage.

    Society spends much of our time concerning us with looking towards the victim and their actions. Looking for reasons why it has happened yet we are surrounded by those that do not inform or protect us.

    Grandmothers, mothers, step mothers, that are too intimidated themselves, too fearful or suspicious of the feminine to do anything about sexual abuse. Afraid to lose their perceived safety in homes and financial security. Too frightened to bring attention to the family. Many women hope their little girls forget about it and just get on with life. Many women had it happen to themselves and had no support so become frozen when it comes around again.

    Fathers that do not send their little girls or sons to martial arts. Parents that do not rally their schools to have self defense as a mandatory subject. Most parents are happy that tap classes and ballet have been ticked off the list. Tuttos over groin kicks.

    I was frightened I would be one of those.

    That I would freeze in horror.

    So that is what I worked on in my pregnancy.

    Permaculture principles for the land and breaking the family cycle of sexual abuse.

    I went deep and deeper in those next 6 months to places that were hidden and ashamed. Places that were asked never to be spoken about and never to be bought to light But I did. I knew if it broke me then I could not be a mother. So I fought. And worked on unraveling those layers of guilt and shame. That were mine and the generations before me. I worked on the shame that is heavy in the people of my town whom do not have the courage to leave it. I worked on the collective guilt women generation after generation carry for being women. And worked on my fear. Fear of failure of protecting my child.

    I started talking to my son when he was 2 about his body, about “adult secrets” and having the absolute courage to scream, to yell, to fight and to tell if anything ever happened. To always tell the truth and to know the difference between natural curiosity of his age and that of which is of absolute not.

    I was not celebrated much for this.

    Friends often thought it was too much, that I was telling my son things he should not worry about.

    Dismissing my openness and saying I should just teach my kid about stranger danger.

    Yet statistics show that stranger danger results in about 9 % of sexual abuse cases.

    Over 90% comes from within the home, neighborhood and extended friends and family.

    It has never ceased to amaze me how each and every generation keeps this under the hallway rugs.

    I knew if I was going to have a child I needed to be the one that is not silent.

    I have come a long way from that plane ride form Sydney where I could not see past the black clouds behind my eye lids.

    About 2 months after that I held for the very first time a real baby. She was handed to me with the words..”This will be you soon Meli.”

    I was hoping for the dinosaur option. Holding that baby only scared me more. It felt strange, Odd.

    I could not imagine what was growing in my belly would actually come out as a human. A tiny little scrunched up human. I was really out of my comfort zone and there was no turning back.

    There have been some pretty strong moments that having this child in my life has saved me.

    And above all I am living the life I am because of him.

    The countries we have lived, the jobs I have taken and the places we have been to, are because he is in my life.

    I have a much richer life in travel and work than I ever did before he came earth side.

    I have also had more contact with the spirit world because he is earth side. ( I don;t blame them really…someone needs to keep an eye on me keeping an eye on him ).

    Everything I have done and been impulsed to try since his birth has been because he saved my life.

    Because he inspires me to thrive. We all have our version of that. And I am doing mine. And it is always changing.

    Being a sex coach and pleasure advocate Is one of those things.

    I chose to do this work because I knew that I could not have a child and raise him in a world that was not breaking these chains around our birthright in the freedom and celebration of our true sexual nature. Of our true wealth and health that is intrinsically tied to our orgasmic health.

    This was something I can not keep the silence on.

    I do this work for the following generations. For the generations that are here now and for those that are ready to know their freedom.

    I do this work because someone has to.
    And thank the goddess it is me !!!

    If you are ready to find your big dick energy…and know your power then Man Activated, my online 3 day retreat at the end of this month is for YOU.
    Check It out here. Man Activated

    If you are partnered with a woman and both you and her are ready for her to dive deeply into the magic of he Cycle she can check out Sex Yourself and Your Cycle here.

    I have been blessed this year with so many interviews.

    Even a film that I will appear in.
    You can view a teaser here.

    You can check out my podcast with Sarah Rose here.

    Stay tuned for the series I did for the BBC being released at the end of this month.

    Until very soon lovers and know that you have a very important piece to play in this life. It is your work to find out your magick and spread it around like peanut butter and honey on toast…like everywhere.

    Your true sexual energy is your biggest gift..It changes the world and starts revolutions.

    You are not broken.

    You are divinely wondrous and perfect exactly as you are.

    Believe me.

    I know this to be true.

    Always with Pleasure
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