Your Pleasure Is Your Own Responsibility

In his outstanding and very poignant MindValley talk, Dan Savage points out that we have been lied to when we are made to believe we will grow up and have Sex. As he says, “We will grow up and “sex will have us”.

Sex is like that light that is kept on over the sports field.
Illusive in its brightness, persistent and illuminating everything that is not being said. Even though the light is bright we often go towards it blind and ill-equipped.
Sex is actually not an act that we do.
Sex is the place we go to. 
It is the container that we create that is safe for all of our vulnerabilities, fears, desires, nerves, questions, unknowns, wildness, pleasures and hopes to be seen. To be shared. To be discovered.
Yet for many this container is often not co created with another as pleasure is hardly ever discussed in any form of sexual education or even n a date night.
We are given lectures on disease and pregnancy, but very little information on discovering pleasure.

Sex is presented as a one way street with penetration as the goal and often the only narrative surrounding the 3 letter word.

What if we were to take P in V ( penis in vagina )  off the table and allowed ourselves to dance in the world of discovery of pleasure?
And what would it look like if we were encouraged as young adults to discover our own pleasure, taking responsibility for our own bodies and arousal than to be handing it over to the other in the coming together, to “give” us pleasure.

To have empowered and truly inspiring sexual education where teenagers and young adults are encouraged to discover their unique pleasure, we would have to remove the current model of societal and family shaming. Where those that take the initiative to lovingly explore their own bodies with wide eyed wonder and beauty are often made to feel they are wrong or dirty somehow for touching themselves.
In this shame filled model we create a narrative where it is left up to the other ( often also misinformed, shamed and fumbling in the dark ) to know what to do with all bodies involved. 
This is the highest act of irresponsibility.
The act of shaming and guilt filling the young for sexual exploration places them in a very dangerous position. Reaching outside of themselves to be told and shown. This creates the cycle of pleasure is taken, not given.

And what shapes us when we are young shows up in the bedroom as adults.
It is childish to ever expect that another will know what to do in order to please our desires, in order to seduce pleasure from our bodies if we do not show and guide them first.  It is arrogant and ignorant to ever assume that one knows another by assumption from a previous unrelated experience. 
Porn is the indication of this. She who is paid, desperate and ordered to do such, does not equate to the one you are with.
At all.

It is our very own responsibility to know how our pleasure works in our own bodies. It is then our absolute responsibility to guide and show another if we choose to allow them to engage with us.

To lay there and hope, albeit very common is the epitome of irresponsible. 

Many of our addictions are revolved around this hope. If we drink enough, drug enough and eat enough we can hopefully fumble enough to the end with some kind of satisfaction. And if the other is out of it enough also then hopefully they will not notice the missing of the absolute mind blowing, beyond this world connective sex. 
What is generally chased after is the end result of a sneeze of excitement with out much thought about the very involved and often missed pleasure play.

Hoping and expecting the other will do it for us means we sit in a perpetual waiting room of our own existence wondering if really that was it?

When each person takes full responsibility for their own pleasure then the stakes are higher.
The game is harder.
Because honey…if what you do for your own body is so fantastic, then you will not be bothered engaging with some one that is unable to take the time to listen, explore and receive guidance.  Yes, this probably does mean you may end up having less sex. But it means you have so much better sex when it does happen !

How does one take responsibility for their own pleasure?

Masturbate masturbate and masturbate!
You have to become good at masturbation.  Like really good.
Men ..this means self pleasuring with out ejaculation. Discovering your banquet of arousal, you levels of pleasure that go in waves all over your body and know how to move this energy around. This is actually how you strengthen your glorious sword.
Masturbation does not equal ejaculation. 
This kind of ground hog day activity only depletes you and does not make you a great lover. 
It keeps you as a man that just does the job…quickly. 

Women. You also need to know your pleasure. 
You can never expect a lover to know how to bring you to the heights of orgasmic bliss if you can not do that for yourself.  Think back to when you first began having sex. Had you ever explored your own temple inside and out before you allowed some one else in ?  
When I hold womens circles and ask each of my clients this, the majority answer “no”.   
This is what we really need to be changing.
How we can ever expect to allow someone else inside of our body ( as a woman ) with out actually ever exploring ourselves is actually really really horrifying in my eyes.  
Honey is your body. Know it before some one else does !!!

And change the dating game to knowing that it is an interview. You are not going on a date.
You are going to interview them. To see if they can meet you to where you desire to be met.  
They are interviewing you also. Can you rise and meet them to where they hold their value and standards for themselves? 
It is time to throw mediocrity out of the window. Step up or just step out. 
Truly we can not allow Netflix to take over the world of intimacy ? Can we ? Some think it is ok to do so.
Well not me.

The pressure to penetrate for men is real. And whilst we continually hand our experience over to the other then we are enabling this narrative. 
My advice is to take penetration and orgasm off of the table and go for pleasure. The one thing that sex is designed to create but rarely discussed.
Pleasure is the beacon of sex. 
Pleasure is the container of sex.
But often before pleasure there is pain.
Emotional pain, spiritual pain and physical pain also.
When we take the end result of orgasm off of the table we can be more present with what we are presented with. 

Often what is in the way of pleasure are realms of confusion, insecurity and nerves. 
When we sit with our absolute truths no matter how uncomfortable it may seem, we are calling on our courage. And there is something so sexy about courage.

This is actually the core of Tantra. Truth. Being absolutely ok with what is true.
If you are angry act out the anger ( not out on some one though ) 
Move it out of your body. Suppressing it will only mean it will explode all over the damn place later on.
Anger shuts down a woman’s pussy and softens a mans cock.

If you are afraid, speak about this. Be vulnerable enough to bring the fear forward to be heard. May be not fixed, but heard.
Fear dries up a woman’s pussy and fear shrinks a mans cock.

If you are nervous, dance out or move those nerves. Allow those nerves to be spoken also. 

If you are excited, say that stuff out loud. If you are intrigued and curious, let all of that to be seen. Allow it all to be received.

When we place the truth into the centre we have so much more to play with. We have so much more to share. And we have so much more receive.
This is where the magic lies.
In the truth.

The truth of what really turns us on. The truth of what we really want. And the truth of what really works for our own individual bodies.

Your pleasure is absolutely your responsibility.
With or with out a partner.


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resonance, coworking Costa Rica
At Resonance, we aspire to live in harmony with the natural world as a reflection of our gratitude for life. We are co-creating an inspired and integrative community, committed to working, living and learning together. We resonate with that deep longing to belong to the hive and the desire to live the highest version of ourselves in service.
SOURCEMelissa Louise
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